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The busy Las Vegas strip (Karen Allen photo)

Ours is a culture of haste. We rush to get to work. We hurry our children to and from school. We drive, text and talk too fast and zip around from one activity to another. We even breathe 3 to 4 times faster than we should.

I must admit I have a bit of an addiction to speed. I walk quickly, talk fast, and jump from one topic to the next at the speed of light. I am energetic by nature and like to live life full throttle.

The only problem is, accidents in the fast lane tend to be dramatic, bringing life suddenly to a screaming halt.

I recently thought it would be a good idea to go go-kart racing with friends for my birthday. Actually, we were supposed to go ziplining, but the weather was bad, so we opted for go-karts instead. But not just any go-karts. I didn’t want to drive the “wimpy” go-karts they have here in Ontario, that only go 20-30 km/hr. No, I had to go across the river to the Quebec side, to drive the ones that race around tight corners at a top speed of 65 km/hr.

With no seat belts.

All was well as I screeched around the winding track, the wind lifting my hair off my shoulders as I chased down my friends in front of me. Then just as I was accelerating through a turn, two people crashed directly in front of me, blocking the entire lane. I didn’t even have time to hit the brake before smashing headfirst into them at around 50 km/hr. I put my hand out to brace myself, promptly breaking my wrist against the steering wheel.

Learning to use chopsticks left-handed (Hubert Chan photo)

Now, I am stuck in a cast for 3 months while the delicate scaphoid bone in my wrist heals. Unfortunately, I broke my right hand, and I am right-handed. Plus I drive a standard. And I am self-employed and write for a living. And I am a single mom of two young kids.

Suffice it to say, having my dominant hand in a cast is not ideal. I have discovered there are many things I need my right hand for that I didn’t even realize:

• opening cans and bottles
• cutting raw vegetables
• fastening zippers and buttons
• weight training
• shoveling snow
• shaving my left armpit and leg

Since the accident, I have been asking myself what this all means. I tend to believe things happen for a reason, and that there is a silver lining in every difficult situation if we look hard enough for it. The conclusion I’ve come to in this case is that the Universe is telling me to hurry up and slow down.

I have recently begun to notice how often I rush my children. I probably say impatiently, “Hurry up” or “We don’t have much time” at least ten times a day. I can’t imagine that this hectic pace is good for them. This became all the more clear the other day when my six-year-old son got upset with my four-year-old daughter and shouted, “Hurry, there’s not enough time!” I’m unwittingly passing my tendency to rush through life on to my kids.

I’ve also noticed that I have trouble enjoying the present moment, because I’m always focused on getting to the next. And as soon as I cross something off my to do list, instead of stopping to celebrate the accomplishment, I immediately start on the next.

My best friend and I recently joked that we have motion sickness: we have to constantly be on the move or we think there’s something wrong with us. We both know we would not be good sick people: we would not deal well with being confined to a bed. Even when we have PJ days or are really sick, we can only stop for a few hours before we feel the need to be “productive” again.

Part of this is due to our innate personality: we are both high energy, on-the-go type people. But part of it is because of our culture. In North America, we think we are important if we say we are busy, and lazy if we say we are resting. Women in particular are taught to always be in service to others, to never take a break or “let their hair down.”

Inside the Grand Canyon

Probably the only time in my life when I slow down very much is when I’m on vacation. When I’m at a cottage, even doing dishes and making dinner take on an almost meditative quality. They seem more enjoyable, likely because I’m doing them more slowly and focusing on one thing at a time. But as soon as I return to “real life,” I resume my usual break-neck pace.

I did manage to slow down for a few days when I first hurt my wrist, largely because I was in so much pain. I actually let the dishes pile up for three days, and didn’t make the beds for a week. This may not seem like much, but I am someone who feels physically calmer when things are neat, so letting my housework go was a big deal. The funny thing is, I soon realized the world was not going to end just because I was less on-the-ball than usual.

But patience is not my strong suit, so I still felt frustrated with everything I could not do. I kept dropping food on the floor because my left hand has much less dexterity than my right. I had to get my five-year-old son to zipper my coat and my neighbour to open my cans of soup. I even had to ask my friends to cut my steak and put ponytails in my hair.

Then I went away to Arizona and Nevada on a vacation/business trip. The timing was actually good, since it was hard for me to work anyway. I figured it would give me a chance to rest a bit. But while the scenery in Sedona and the Grand Canyon was breathtaking, I had trouble relaxing because I was trying to pack too much in.

A cactus in Sedona (Karen Allen photo)

Then one hot, dusty afternoon as I was trudging up a desert hill to get a better view of the stunning red rock mountains, I spied a really neat cactus. It was green and undulating like a caterpillar, with sharp, needle-like spines.

Suddenly I had a flash of insight, and the thought popped into my head, “There’s beauty in the pricklies.”

It occurred to me that my injury (a definite prickly) was offering me an opportunity to go slower (the beauty), and excuse myself for not being as fast as usual. And that maybe there were other benefits to having a broken wrist. Like having an ice-breaker when meeting new people at the book publishing conference I was attending in Las Vegas. Or having agents more likely to remember me because my cast made me stand out from the crowd.

No matter what this accident means, I am going to use it as a sign and an opportunity to slow down. Going slow actually seems counter-intuitive right now, since it takes me twice as long to do everything. I am behind on my writing and housework, and have been late for pretty much everything lately, so my instinct is to speed up so that I don’t fall too far behind.

Taking time to breathe...

But instead, I am committing for the next few months to walk more slowly, breathe deeper, and drive the speed limit. I will focus on one thing at a time, take a break in between major tasks, and spend more time enjoying my kids instead of rushing them.

This will be a big challenge for me, so hopefully my friends will remind me whenever they notice me speeding up again. It will be interesting to see how I feel at the end of my respite, and whether I decide to prolong the experiment into a way of life.

A friend of mine recently said that rest is like drawing the bow in archery: the longer you pull back your bow, the farther your arrow will travel. In other words, while rest may at times feel like going backwards, it gives you energy that will propel you forward, and the momentum you will need when you are ready to spring back into action.

May you pull your bow back a little farther this week, and may the pace of life slow down enough to let you enjoy every moment fully.

“Slow down, you move too fast. You’ve got to make the morning last.”
—Simon and Garfunkel, 59th Street Bridge Song (Feelin’ Groovy)

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Photo by Karen Allen

As the leaves turn splendid shades of copper, gold and burgundy and we prepare to carve turkeys, my thoughts turn to what I am thankful for. This year, what I am most thankful for is my eclectic mix of friends, and all the unique perspectives and gifts they bring to my life.

When I was in high school, I had quite a few friends, but was never part of the “in” crowd. I had a mix of friends from different groups: a few jocks, a few smokers, a few nerds, a few cool friends. I never really gave  much thought to why this was…I just knew I liked all of these people, whether they were part of the same group or not, and whether or not I “fit” into their group of friends.

This year, after a couple years of being on my own, I have opened myself back up to learning new things and meeting new people. I joined a social group and started doing fun things like white water rafting, beach volleyball, dancing, go-kart racing and karaoke. I have thoroughly enjoyed both the events and the  wonderful people I have come to call friends.

The part I was not quite prepared for was the divisions within the larger group. It is almost like a game of Survivor…people form alliances with each other, including some people, leaving others out. As someone who sees the best in people and wants to get along with everyone, I find this a bit disconcerting. After all, no one wants to feel ostracized. Everyone wants to feel accepted, included, understood and valued for what they bring to the collective dinner table.

I think it is natural that we will choose to be closer friends with some people, and acquaintances with others. We all tend to gravitate to the familiar, to those people who remind us most of ourselves and agree with what we have to say. (I guess that’s why I talk to myself so much.)

But I think there is a risk in only surrounding ourselves with those who will parrot back to us what we already know. We lose the opportunity to stretch ourselves and grow, to learn new perspectives and see the world through a different lens.

We all come into this life with a unique personality through which we view and experience the world. We tend to judge what is different or unfamiliar, what we don’t understand. But our judgments are never 100% accurate or based on objective reality…they are always filtered through our past histories and hurts, our culture and upbringing, our personal goals and agendas.

In fact, our reactions to people and situations say more about us than they do about others. If we shift our point of view ever so slightly, we soon see how dramatically different the same “reality” can look from someone else’s vantage point.

For example, people who like to drive fast tend to get really irritated by people who drive slow. And people who drive slow think people who drive fast need to slow down. Who is right? It’s really a question of perspective, isn’t it?

I am one of those who tends to err on the faster side of life. I do sometimes get annoyed when the car in front of me is moving at a snail’s pace. But I try to remind myself of the experience I had when I was taking my husband, Blair, to the hospital in 1997.

Blair was in the last stages of terminal liver cancer, and had only weeks to live. He was in tremendous pain, and as I drove the slushy, winding road to the hospital, he screamed in pain every time I hit a bump. So I put my four-way flashers on and drove painfully slow, quickly creating a line-up of cars behind me. I could not pull over because there was no shoulder, and they could not pass because it was a busy two-lane road with no passing zone. So many beeped their horns in anger, assuming my only purpose was to annoy them, while I helplessly inched my way to Blair’s appointment.

Now, when I get behind someone who drives slower than I do, I remind myself of that bleak January day. I ask myself where the person is going. I wonder if they are a senior or new to the city, lost or afraid to drive faster. I try to consider that they may have just as good a reason for being pokey as I have for being speedy.

Karen (center) and friends Cindy (left) and Shelley (right) RichieD photography (www.RichieD.ca)

My life coach often says, “there is good and bad in everything.” Indeed, when you think about it, every quality (and flaw) has a flip-side. Extroverts can be super fun and gregarious, or extremely loud and  obnoxious, depending on the situation and your point of view. Introverts can be thoughtful and observant, or stand-offish and hard to know, again depending on how you choose to see them.

And it is a choice. We can choose our perceptions of others. We can choose to emphasize our similarities, rather than our differences. We can choose to lift people up and bring out their best rather than exclude or judge them.

“You can’t expect a person to see eye to eye with you when you are looking down on him.”

—Best of Bits and Pieces

The funny thing about seeing other people as “different” from us is that it’s really a lie. We are all the same, just in different ways. And we are all things…even the things we judge about others. Sometimes we are  outgoing; other times, shy. Sometimes we are thoughtful; other times, selfish. Sometimes we are happy; other times, cranky.With duality, we can choose to see everything in opposition, or to see the balance duality brings. I believe all of the people in our lives have something to offer and something to teach us. The trick is to see the good in everyone, to look for the gift each person brings us.

The Inukshuk (Inuksuk) symbolizes co-operation, balance and unselfishness; the idea that teaching and group effort is greater than individual effort. Each stone is a separate entity, yet each supports and is supported by the one above and the one below it. No one piece is any more or any less important than the other. Its strength lies in its unity. —Text from answers.com (Photo by Karen Allen)

On that note, and as Thanksgiving approaches, I would like to pay tribute to my many quirky and wonderful friends, who bring so many gifts to my life. I give thanks for:

My boisterous friends,
who bring life to a party and remind me to live in the moment and enjoy life to its fullest.

My reserved friends,
who remind me to be still, and who, through their keen powers of observation, offer me insights into how the world works.

My fashionista friends,
who celebrate the beauty of the human form and proudly express their individuality through their sense of style.

My earthy friends,
who accept me when I have a bad hair day and remind me that it’s what’s on the inside that matters most.

My liberal friends,
who are accepting of everyone, open to change and push the boundaries of social justice.

My conservative friends,
who keep people from rushing forward too quickly and remind us of the importance of family, history and tradition.

My ultra-confident friends,
who let things roll off them and remind me to feel good about who I am no matter what anyone says.

My sensitive friends,
who are compassionate and are the first people to offer comfort, because they know what it feels like to hurt.

My chatty friends,
who help me learn about life, get things off my chest and work out problems.

My quiet friends,
who listen when no one else will and remind me that silence speaks volumes.

But I see your true colors shining through. I see your true colors, and that’s why I love you, so don’t be afraid to let them show…your true colors, true colors are beautiful like a rainbow. —True Colours, Cyndi Lauper (Photo by Karen Allen)

I believe people are inherently good. Before we rush to judge people who are different from us, we should first try to understand their background, motivations and perspective. And we should remember we are all human; we all have flaws and make mistakes. We need to allow people to be imperfect, especially if we want others to do the same for us.

Give to the world what you want to receive. For most of us, I think the gift we really want is love and acceptance. Offer it to others and you’ll be amazed at how quickly it is returned to you.

I think what I unwittingly did in high school was I surrounded myself with a variety of people who offered many different points of view. This brought balance to my life. Since I am, after all, a quintessential balance-seeking Libra, I intend to continue to surround myself with wonderful people of all different shapes, ages and cultures, regardless of allegiances and alliances. I appreciate each one of you for the unique value you bring to my life and to the rest of the world.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

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A few months ago, I re-entered the dating scene, after a 12-year hiatus. Awkward and unsure of myself, I held my breath, jumped into the deep end and tried speed dating. For the uninitiated, speed dating involves going to a bar or lounge, where 10 guys move from table to table talking to 10 girls for a few minutes each. At the end of the night, everyone fills out a card and checks off who they are interested in dating. If two people both check “yes,” they are a match and are given each other’s information.

The speed dating went well and I ended up dating two really great guys. While I remain single, I gained wonderful new friends and learned a lot about the ins and outs of dating, as well as how to begin and end relationships with love, integrity and kindness.

Some things I have discovered:

1. Dating in your thirties is much different than dating in your twenties.
2. There is a lot involved in finding the “right” partner.
3. New relationships can be an emotional roller-coaster ride.
4. Conflicts can be resolved with a willingness to put the relationship first.
5. Ending a relationship can be done with love and without blame.

Dating later in life

I believe the main reason dating later in life is different is because by now, we are much more self-aware. We have a good idea of what we like, what we don’t like, who we are and who we are looking for. For the most part, I think this is a good thing. Because I believe in the law of attraction, I think it is good to reflect on what we want in a life partner, and even write it down. That way, we are more likely to be clear on what we are looking for, attract it, and recognize it when we see it.

There is, however, a downside to coming to the dating table with a checklist of things a prospective partner must have, do and be. If we expect every point on our checklist to be met, we risk ruling someone out on a technicality that in the end, doesn’t really matter. After all, we are all more than the sum of our likes and dislikes, qualities and flaws. The essence of a person cannot be discovered using a checklist. It takes time to get to know and experience a person fully, and the checklist approach can force us to judge prematurely and choose based on superficial knowledge of a person.

Finding the “right” partner

I am coming to realize that finding the “right” partner is a very complex task. I think most of us are looking for someone with whom we connect on every level: physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. That alone is a tall order.

On top of that, we are looking for compatibility of interests, values and living style. We also hope to find someone who shares our outlook on life, political and religious beliefs, and dreams for the future. And we need to find someone who agrees with us on “deal-breaker” questions like whether we want children and where to live.

Because there is so much involved, it is worth taking time to get to know a prospective partner well. I also think it’s important to establish a connection with someone and focus on core values and needs, rather than getting too hung up on individual checklist items.

Get me off this roller coaster!

I am finding dating to be a bit of an emotional roller coaster ride. At first, there is hope and excitement that this might be the person for me (and I for them). The initial adrenaline rush is followed by disappointment when things don’t turn out as hoped. Next comes a period of doubting myself and wondering if I will find what I am looking for. I must admit, I’m not terribly fond of roller coasters – they make me dizzy. So I have been looking for a way to smooth the ride a bit.

Many of us (myself included) have in the past been guilty of falling into relationships largely based on physical chemistry, without knowing enough about our partners. Later on, we become frustrated that we are incompatible and our needs aren’t being met, blaming the other person for what ails the relationship and trying to get them to be what we want them to be and do what we want them to do.

In Choice Theory, psychologist William Glasser suggests there is a better way. He says we tend to choose partners without knowing enough about how well matched we are. Then we try to control their behaviour using external control psychology (punish the behaviour we don’t like; reward what we do like). Most people do this, whether they realize it or not, as it’s ingrained in our culture.

“It takes a lot of energy to try to control others so they’ll give us what we want or need. And still, no matter how hard we try, we can’t get them to do it perfectly, so there are always times when we withdraw our love. In these situations, both sides lose. Loving people…means you’re willing to keep your heart open to them, show them compassion, and accept them for who they are.”

—Marci Shimoff, Love for No Reason

Instead, Glasser says we need to take responsibility for our choices, and realize that the only behaviour we can (and should try to) control is our own. He says everything we do and feel is a result of our choices, so if we don’t like who or what is in our life, we need to learn to make better choices.

How this applies to relationships is that we need to work harder to make a conscious decision when choosing a partner. To do that, we need to make sure we know enough about a prospective partner before committing to them.

One key thing we should learn about is what our partner needs. Glasser says all humans have five basic needs they look to fulfill:

1. Survival – the drive for security and stability (for example, whether we are savers or spenders, risk-takers or risk averse)
2. Love and belonging – the need to love and be loved (as defined by how much we are willing to give to others, not get)
3. Power – the amount of control a person likes to have over their environment, situations and other people (for example, wanting to have things your way, have the last word, or be seen as being right)
4. Freedom – the need to be free and not be controlled by anyone or anything (for example, not wanting to follow rules, conform, or stay in one place for long)
5. Fun – the need to have fun, laugh and learn new things

The strength of these needs is different for each of us. It is determined at birth, and forms the basis for our personality. According to Glasser, the more similar our personalities and the closer our need strengths are (especially for survival and love), the more likely the relationship is to thrive.

“The best marriages share an average need for survival, a high need for love and belonging, low needs for power and freedom, and a high need for fun.”

—William Glasser, Choice Theory

Therefore, it pays to find out how compatible another person’s needs are with ours before committing to a relationship with them. And there is no sense falling into the trap of thinking that with our love, the other person will change. This is external control psychology. If things aren’t good in the beginning, they are unlikely to get better later. Better to choose someone with whom you are compatible to begin with.

For example, while I may have a strong need for love and belonging, my partner may have a lesser need. This difference will likely cause conflict. I may feel he is not giving enough. He may feel I am too needy. Neither is really true: everything is relative, and it is simply a question of differing levels of need.

Glasser says there is no sense in blaming the other person when a relationship doesn’t work out. Instead, he says we need to understand that it is simply how we are each hard-wired. In short, we can’t get more than our partner is able to give.

I realize I have been guilty of blaming in the past. I have judged previous partners when my needs were not met, thinking they were intentionally holding out on me. I understand now that our needs were simply different, our personalities incompatible.

Resolving conflicts in relationships

If you are already in a relationship and discover some of your needs are different, this does not mean you have to give up on the relationship. Instead, you can choose to create what Glasser calls an “other-centered” relationship. This type of relationship is based on what each partner can give to the other, rather than what each person wants to get.

In an “other-centered” relationship, couples solve problems by creating a “solving circle.” In this circle (which can literally be drawn on the floor so that both people intentionally enter it), the relationship takes precedence over individual needs. Instead of focusing on what they want from the other, each person says what they are willing to give/do to resolve the conflict, and strives to reach a compromise. Before speaking or acting, each person asks themselves, “Will what I am about to do or say bring me closer to my partner, or move us further apart?”

I don’t know about you, but I know this is the kind of relationship I am looking for and want to help create. I know in the past I have made mistakes in how I resolved conflicts and tried to get my needs met. With this new and better method of conflict resolution, I feel equipped to make better choices and put my relationships first.

Leaving relationships lovingly

Sometimes we are already in a relationship by the time we realize we are incompatible. If the differences are too great and cannot be resolved, we may choose to end the relationship.

I think too many romantic relationships are ended in anger and bitterness. This is a shame, because in doing so, we lose out on the opportunity to continue to have a friendship with the person, or at least to have both people walk away with dignity and peace of mind intact.

When we must end a relationship, I believe it is important to do so without blame. It is most likely that the relationship failed because of differences in levels of need, not because there was something “wrong” with either person. I know I have been guilty of the blame game before. I commit to not doing it in the future. I realize now my past partners did the best they could. And I hope they realize that I did too.

“Celebrate your uniqueness…your differences don’t mean that anything’s wrong with you…they’re just part of your natural variation.”

—Doreen Virtue, Daily Guidance from Your Angels

Choosing love

With any luck, the information in this post will help you (and me) make better choices about future relationships, so that we are better matched to begin with and avoid the pain of having to end a relationship. Once we find a partner, we can use the principle of “other-centeredness” to keep the relationship strong and healthy. And if we do have to end a relationship, hopefully we can remember to avoid blaming and always speak and act out of a place of love.

May all your relationships – romantic and otherwise – be blessed with love, joy, harmony and happiness.

“There are four questions of value in life…What is sacred? Of what is the spirit made? What is worth living for, and what is worth dying for? The answer to each is the same. Only love.”

—Actor Johnny Depp’s character in the film Don Juan DeMarco

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I want to come back to the notion of unconditional love that I spoke about in my last post, The Ripple Effect: To Love and Be Loved.

As I mentioned, unconditional love means loving others despite their failures, and wanting what is best for them, regardless of what they give or don’t give us. But it also means loving ourselves the same way, and accepting our own faults. And that is something I think many of us (myself included) struggle with.

What do see when you look at yourself in the mirror? Most of us have been socially conditioned to see our flaws. That grey strand of hair, the crow’s feet, the unsightly skin blemishes, the hair that shouldn’t be where it is, the hair that should be where it isn’t. We pick ourselves apart, as if, somehow, we are not good enough. As if being critical of ourselves will make us better, more deserving of love.

Why do we do that?

I’ve recently been reading about the concept of mirroring, and I will be talking about this more fully in a future post on parenting. For now, it’s enough to understand that when we are babies, our parents instinctively mirror what we do—they imitate every coo, frown, smile…even our gassy burps. They make sounds and faces back, effectively acting as a mirror so we can see what we just did. This is the beginning of communication, of saying how we feel and getting feedback to let us know we have been heard and understood.

When we are babies, this feedback is usually positive and responsive. “Look, she’s laughing—isn’t that cute.” “Oh, you must be cold. Let me get you a blankie.” Good mirroring allows us to develop normally, to believe in ourselves and in our innate goodness.

But as we get older, usually around the time when we begin to express ourselves with language, the mirroring changes. Suddenly, the image our parents reflect back to us no longer matches what we are trying to express. We say we’re hungry, and our parents say “No you’re not—you just ate.” We say we’re not tired, and they say, “Yes you are—it’s way past your bedtime.” We want to run and laugh and play, and our parents want us to stop, be quiet and sit still. (No wonder toddlers act out: parents are constantly contradicting what they think and feel!)

Over time, other people add to these conflicting messages. Our teachers tell us to act a certain way so that we fit the mould of the perfect student. Being unique isn’t appreciated—being “good” is. Our friends reject us if we look different, act different, dress different. Our spouses get angry if the way we are doesn’t measure up to the way they expect us to be.

Gradually, these messages we receive from others about who we are and who we are supposed to be chip away at our self-esteem and spirit. We start to believe we are fundamentally flawed, that there is something—many things—we need to fix in order to be loved and accepted.

The interesting thing is, people reflect back to us how we really see and feel about ourselves. If they say we’re fat and ugly, it’s because on some level, we feel that we’re fat and ugly. If they say we’re not worthy of their love, it’s because we feel we’re not worthy.

People act as mirrors through their behaviour too, not just through their words. Every time someone’s behaviour pushes our buttons, it is because we are rejecting that same behaviour in ourselves. Our tendency is to react and say “I am nothing like them.” But in truth, somewhere in our life, we are acting the same way, and we don’t like it. We don’t like that part of ourselves and want to be different.

When the image other people reflect back to us doesn’t match our true spirit or vision for ourselves, we feel unhappy, misunderstood, rejected. Part of us knows the distorted image we are seeing is not who we really are; the other part doubts our own goodness, our own worth. And so we struggle to find acceptance and love, to find someone who sees us for who we really are.

Sometimes we are blessed to find someone who reflects back our true spirit. But what usually happens is that we end up pushing them away, because we don’t see ourselves the way they see us. Like attracts like. We tend to pull towards us anything that matches our current beliefs and view of the world and ourselves; we push away anything that doesn’t.

Because of this, we typically won’t attract (and keep) people who see and reflect back our true spirit until we are able to change our own beliefs about ourselves. We need to be able to look in the mirror and see beauty, not a self-image fragmented by criticism and self-doubt.

Seeing things we don’t like about ourselves in our physical and metaphorical mirrors is normal. It offers us an opportunity to change for the better. But focussing all our attention on our faults to the exclusion of our positive attributes does not change anything. What we resist persists.

While it is good to be aware of what needs to change, instead of focussing on what we don’t like, we need to focus on what we do like. What we focus on expands. If we focus on those aspects of ourselves we can admire, the rest will evaporate, like long-forgotten pimples on our skin.

Babies come into the world complete, secure in who they are. They don’t stress about what is wrong with them, and they expect to have people love and care for them. You can see this if you ever stop and watch young children playing in front of a mirror. Kids love to look at their own reflection. My five-year-old son enjoys looking at himself when he brushes his teeth, when he’s “breakdancing” or pretending to be a superhero. My three-year-old daughter twirls her dress in front of the mirror and says she is a pretty ballerina, a big smile on her face.

Young children don’t see their limitations yet—they only see their true spirit and potential.

I know my self-image has been my Achilles heel for much of my life. I grew up feeling like I was too chubby, too short, not smart enough, not pretty enough, not worthy of being loved. And so I attracted experiences that reflected that self-image. I was bullied and picked on. I was told mean things. I was left out of games. I was picked last. And time and time again, I chose friends and partners who couldn’t return to me the love I gave them. While my childhood was certainly not all bad, I spent a great deal of it trying to convince people to love me. Really, I think I was trying to convince myself.

Every time I think I have slayed my self-esteem demons once and for all, they sneak in through the back door. “Aha,” they say, “we’re still here!” They pop up when I parent my kids and doubt myself for making a mistake. They sneak up behind me when I begin dating for the first time in over a decade, whispering that the kind of person I want won’t choose me. They hide in my office desk, keeping me from publishing the book that has been complete for over a year now, because I fear I can’t live up to my own expectations.

I imagine we all doubt ourselves to some degree. But when that self-doubt keeps us from seeing a positive reflection in the mirror, from knowing who we really are and doing what we really want to do, then it’s a problem.

We need to get back to the point where we can see our true spirit and inner beauty. Only then will we be able to attract the things and people into our lives that we so want, need and deserve.

So how, exactly, does a person do that?

One exercise my life coach Mary recommends is to journal all the things you love about yourself. You’ll be surprised by how much you can come up with, once you stop resisting the process.

Another is to stand in front of the mirror and look at yourself as if you were a child—not with the critical eyes of an adult, but with the adoring, curious eyes of a young child who loves to see their reflection. Focus on what you like about yourself. Realize that what others experience about you is more than just what you look like. They experience your entire being—your personality, warmth, smell, touch, energy. There is much more to you than meets your eye.

You can also write yourself a letter, telling your younger self all the things you wish he/she knew about how wonderful he/she really is. Or you can write your own eulogy from the perspective of a beloved friend, spouse or family member, extolling all your virtues and reflecting the image of who you know you really are at your core, underneath your wrinkles and mistakes and insecurities.

There are many other exercises that will also work. The basic idea is to focus on what is good about you. Put up pictures of yourself looking happy and enjoying the things you most love. Stick positive quotes or loving affirmations in places where you will see them during the day. Make a list of the top 50 things you love about yourself or are proud of, and read it whenever you feel down.

Before you can make major changes in your life, you need to change how you think about yourself. You need to rid yourself of the negative beliefs that are holding you back, and rewrite the unkind stories you tell about yourself. If you catch yourself thinking or saying harsh things about yourself, stop. Flip the thought to something positive. Treat yourself as you would a best friend and be kind to yourself—you are worth it. Soon, as you start to see your own inner beauty, people will begin mirroring back to you your own best qualities.

I hope this week your mirror reflects back to you a positive image of who you really are.

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Warning: This topic may cause tearfulness, bloodshot eyes, and the sudden urge to hug people.

OK, so this is a pretty big, mushy subject. It tends to make people giggle nervously, squirm in their seats, and pretend they are too cool, tough and independent to need it. But what is more basic or universal than the need to love and be loved?

It’s actually kind of funny that we want it, need it and wish to express it, yet we are more comfortable uttering profane four-letter words than saying “love.” So why the big secret … who are we trying to fool?

I’m going to out myself here and declare that I enjoy loving people. And not just romantic love, but the love I feel for my friends, family, children and even strangers I pass by. I feel their pain, their hope, their humanity and recognize my own spirit in their eyes. Suffice it to say, I am a mush-pot.

What is Love?

So what is this strange, ever-present, yet at the same time elusive thing called love?

Love is a hard thing to define. Scholars, musicians and poets have philosophized about the true nature of love since the first stirrings of emotion were felt in human hearts.

“Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.”
—Aristotle, Greek philosopher (384 BC – 322 BC)

 “There is no mistaking love. You feel it in your heart. It is the common fiber of life, the flame that heats our soul, energizes our spirit, and supplies passion to our lives.”
—Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, psychiatrist and author (1926 – 2004)

 “For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.”
—Judy Garland, American actress and singer (1922 – 1969)

While we have all probably felt love at different points in our lives, I think most of our thinking about love tends to revolve around experiences of conditional love. We love someone because of what they give us, or how they make us feel. If they change or stop giving us what we need and want, we stop loving them. That, by definition, is conditional love. It’s loving someone for a reason. A good reason, perhaps, but still … that kind of love can be taken away, can dissolve when life rains on it. I would call this little “l” love.

Unconditional love (big “L” love) isn’t about wanting something from someone, or expecting another to make us happy. And it’s not about finding someone who is without flaw, or perfect for us. It’s about wanting to share life, love and happiness with another, from a place of fullness, not from a big gaping hole that needs to be filled. It’s accepting the whole person, warts and all. It’s about wanting what is best for our loved ones, and helping them to fulfill their dreams and be the fullest expression of who they really are. It is seeing ourselves in the other, and wanting to do no harm, since harming another is ultimately harming ourselves.

Here are a few quotes about love, which I think capture the spirit of unconditional love:

“We are made by love, we are made of love, and we are made for love. Everything is love anyway. Our hate is love turned sour, jealousy is love turned bitter, our fears are love standing upside down, greed is love gone overboard, attachment is love gone sticky.”
—Khurshed Batliwala, blogger

“Your task is not to seek for Love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”
—Rumi, thirteenth-century Sufi poet

“Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.”
—Robert A. Heinlein, author (1907 – 1988)

“Don’t settle for love of this or that, he or she; that is all so, so small. Stubbornly hold out for love itself—beyond everything.”
—Bruce Allen, spiritual counsellor

Love Is All There Is

We tend to look to others to “bring” us love. But we do not need to look outside ourselves to experience love. At the risk of sounding corny, love is what we are made of. We may physically be 99% water, but spiritually I believe we are 100% love. The reason we don’t always feel that way, or we do things that aren’t good for ourselves or others, is because we forget who we really are.

In Love for No Reason, Marci Shimoff talks about how we attach our love to things and people. She suggests trying this exercise to help us experience love without attachment:

1. Think about someone or something you really love. Let your mind wander to all the things you love about this person or thing.
2. Now take your focus away from the person or thing you were thinking about, and focus entirely on the feeling of love.
3. Notice how you feel – the sensation of warmth in your chest, the smile that probably comes to your face, the light-heartedness.
4. You are now experiencing love as love itself. That love really comes from you, not from something or someone else. It is always there within you, ready to access whenever you choose.

Choose to Be Loving in Every Situation

This brings up an important point. Love is, essentially, a choice, not something you get from others. It is a practice, something you choose to bring to the world. Really, the success of our relationships with other people is determined by our own capacity to love. It is what we give to others that determines what we get back.

At this point, you may be thinking, “But I give a lot to the people I care about, and they don’t give it back to me.” I know I have had that experience on more than one occasion. But that is, again, because we are thinking about conditional love. Unconditional love is giving love without expecting it to be returned. It is loving the person anyway, even if they don’t act the way we want them to.

This does not mean we have to stay in a relationship that is not good for us. After all, unconditional love also requires us to love ourselves. And sometimes the most loving thing we can do for ourselves and the other person is to leave a relationship. For example, is it love to stay in an abusive relationship? Of course not. It is not loving to you, and it is not loving to the one who is treating you that way. Leaving in that situation is an act of love, because it teaches the other person that their behaviour is not loving, and encourages them to change for the better.

My 7-year marriage ended a year and a half ago. The relationship was not abusive, but it was dysfunctional, and neither my spouse nor I were happy. But it was still very hard to leave, because I felt a lot of guilt about ending a commitment I took very seriously, let alone disrupting my children’s lives. But staying would not have been an act of love. It would have been an act of fear – fear of the unknown, of hurting people, of what others would say, of being alone, of being wrong.

In the end, the most loving thing I could do for my spouse was to admit I wasn’t treating him the way he deserved to be treated because I was miserable. The most loving thing I could do for my kids was to give them an opportunity to see both their parents happy, and hopefully eventually in healthy, loving relationships. And the most loving thing I could do for myself was to let go of the guilt and fear and believe that I was deserving of the kind of love I knew in my heart was possible. So my former spouse and I chose to end our relationship, not out of spitefulness and anger, but out of love for everyone involved.

“It’s easy to love things that are charming and attractive, but the real challenge is to experience love in difficult situations and with people you don’t even like. To maintain an open heart when your spouse is being difficult, your child is throwing a tantrum, or your boss is making what seem like unreasonable demands requires a commitment to love as the number one priority in your life.”

—Marci Shimoff, author, Love for No Reason

Be Open to Love

I am still trying to sort out what love is, and to be more loving with the people in my life. But this much I know for sure: to experience unconditional love, you have to be willing to give it. To receive love, you have to be open to it. It is very difficult to feel love with a closed heart. We cannot simultaneously protect our hearts from hurt and experience real love. Fear is the opposite of love.

I have been hurt before. I could choose to close my heart off to protect myself. But I know that doing that will prevent me from giving love to others, and ultimately from receiving love too. So I choose to live with my heart wide open. It makes me vulnerable, but also allows me to share my happiness with others and opens me to the wonderful experience of love. While we all fear pain, there is a tremendous strength in the softness and vulnerability of love. We can survive being hurt. We cannot survive without love.

I hold it true, whate’er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
‘Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

—Alfred Lord Tennyson, In Memoriam:27 (1850)

Make Love-Based Decisions

But what should we do when love goes awry?

Let’s face it: human relationships are complicated. It is so easy to lose ourselves in them, and to find it hard to know what to do. When I feel stuck about a situation (whether it involves a relationship or not), my two favourite questions to ask myself are:

• Who do I want to be in this situation?
• Is this decision coming from a place of love, or a place of fear?

I know when I make decisions out of fear, I am filled with anxiety and I almost always live to regret them. When I make them from a place of love, things turn out well in the end and I am left with a feeling of peace and light-heartedness.

Attract Love

You may still be wondering, “But how do I attract more love into my life?” Well, the truth is, you will attract more love when you give more love. Like attracts like. But to break it down into a practical process, this is what I have learned from my research and personal experience:

1. Let go of past hurts. Your heart cannot give or receive love if you are hanging on to pain, or judging the actions of others. Do what you need to do to process your feelings. Then let them go. Realize that most times, people don’t mean to hurt us. They are simply human and doing the best they can. Release them with love and move on.
2. Fill your own cup. You can’t give love if your glass is half empty. And if you try to receive it in this state, you will end up draining the other person’s glass. It is important to fill your own cup first. Learn to love yourself and believe you are worthy of love. Do nice things for yourself. Try something you’ve always wanted to do. Spend time doing things you love. Your life will automatically become richer and fuller, and you will be able to approach new relationships from a place of fullness instead of lack.
3. Be grateful for the love you already have. The quickest shortcut to getting more of what you want is to be thankful for what you already have. Look around your life and see how much love is already in it. Make a list of the wonderful people you know, and the experiences you have had that make you feel alive. Really stop and appreciate them. Look at this list whenever you are feeling down or lonely.
4. Keep your heart open. Stay positive and loving no matter what the outcome. If you don’t immediately get what you want, trust that the process is working and that something better is coming your way. If you get hurt, look for what you can learn from the situation, and choose to keep your heart open to love.
5. Give love to others. Choose to be loving with every decision you make, word you say and action you take. Send love out into the world, and like a boomerang it will come back to you (often when you least expect it!).

See the Love Around You

“When who I really am sees who you really are, all there is, is love.”
—Marci Shimoff, author, Love for No Reason

Love really isn’t as elusive as we think. Real, unconditional love is everywhere when we stop and look for it. I see it in many places in my own life:

• I see it when my dad goes to see my 62-year-old mom at the nursing home where she now lives because of her Alzheimer’s. He shows up week in, week out, no matter how hard it is and despite the fact that he can’t exactly be getting what he needs out of their relationship any more. He holds her hand when she gets angry or cries, and says “It’s OK dear.” He looks at her lovingly, remembering who she is and seeing her true spirit despite her now child-like demeanour. And despite the fact that she no longer has any sense of time, she throws her arms around him and when he arrives, saying “Where have you been?” That’s love.
• I see it in my brother- and sister-in-law, who after many years of life’s ups and downs and several serious physical illnesses, still look at each other like they just fell in love. They still hug and kiss and laugh together. And they share their love and joy with everyone around them, always willing to lend a helping hand to anyone in need.
• I experienced it first-hand when I met, dated and married a wonderful man twenty years my senior. Members of our small rural community whispered and stared. My father wanted to shoot him. I was closer in age to his 15-year-old daughter than I was to him. We had no money and lived in a trailer. We endured a long-distance relationship while I studied in university. We got married knowing that he had been diagnosed with liver cancer and had only months to live. I withdrew from university and left behind a scholarship to care for him as he died. Our relationship didn’t make sense to many. But we loved each other anyway.
• I feel it when I look at my kids, and marvel at what wonderful little people they are. I would do anything for them, no matter how crazy they sometimes make me. And they would do anything for each other. They are very close and always look out for each other (even after one steals the other’s toys).
• I know love is real when my daughter gazes at me with her blueberry eyes and says, “You look pretty,” even though I’m wearing flannel PJs, have no make-up on, and my hair is tossed haphazardly in a ponytail. Kids are accepting in ways we adults often are not. I also know love is real when my son draws me a picture, gives me a hug and says, “I love you Mama,” even though 30 minutes ago I was angry with him and raised my voice. He forgives my parental mistakes, and loves me despite them.
• I feel love every time I think of, talk to or hang out with my best friend. She brightens my day and fills my life with sunshine. She has her quirks, and I have mine. But she would do anything for me, and I for her. I am also blessed to have many other wonderful friends, who fill my life with joy and laughter.

The True Nature of Love

I believe the true nature of love is generosity – it’s giving everything you can to another because you want to, not because it’s expected. It’s caring just because. It’s acknowledging that people aren’t perfect, but you love them anyway. Love just is, whether it makes sense to others or not. When you see it, touch it and feel it, it is a beautiful thing to behold. And like a ripple across a smooth, expansive lake, it only gets bigger when you share it.

Choose to love unconditionally. Live with an open heart. Let yourself be vulnerable, so people can have the chance to know the real, wonderful you. Look for the love already present in your life. Believe more is possible. And above all, spread this wonderful gift to others.

There is no difficulty that enough love will not conquer…
No door that enough love will not open
No gulf that enough love will not bridge,
No wall that enough love will not throw down…
It makes no difference how deeply seated may be the trouble,
How great the mistake,
Sufficient realization of love will resolve it all.
If only you could love enough,
You would be the happiest and most powerful being in the universe.

—Emmet Fox, spiritual leader (1886 – 1951)

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The title of this blog post may seem to be an oxymoron. But I believe it is possible to end a marriage (or relationship) on good terms. Saying goodbye to a shared history, home, family and friends is challenging, especially when children are involved. But it does not have to end badly or bitterly. Your kids can end up being happy, and so can both of you.

I am writing this post for the many people who are going through a separation or are considering one. I also write it to be a voice for children who are watching their world as they know it change, unable or too afraid to tell their parents what they are feeling and what they need most from them. I am not an expert by any means in separation or divorce, but I hope my personal experience is helpful to others.

My 10-year relationship with my ex-husband ended a year and a half ago. We had been married for seven years. We were in counselling on and off for most of the years we were together. Few people knew that, because neither of us believed in “airing our dirty laundry in public,” or in asking friends and family members to take sides in our disagreements.

So when we split up, it came as a surprise to many. It was not a surprise to us. We had worked hard for many years to make our relationship work. We struggled to create a connection between us. We had very different personalities, and found living with those differences every day to be challenging. And over the course of the years, as we added children and more responsibilities, the gap between us widened until there was no longer any way to bridge it.

It was no one’s fault really. Our relationship just didn’t work. We tried to fix it, but couldn’t. Even our counsellors agreed it was time to walk away. So we ended things before we got to the point where we hated each other, and before our children suffered from watching their parents grow distant and angry.

As is often the case when two people separate, other people wonder why. They search for answers, and often look for someone to blame. Usually, former spouses fall prey to the blame game too, and try to pin the failure of the relationship on each other.

Thankfully, my ex-husband and I were able to agree that, while we had both made mistakes, neither of us was at fault. Our relationship was simply dysfunctional, and had come to its natural end. Sometimes things just don’t work out. It’s still painful, but there is no reason to intensify the pain by fighting and blaming and throwing punches at each other.

So when we decided it was over, we made a few key decisions:

• We decided we didn’t have to be hateful with each other and make it harder than it already was. After all, despite everything, we still respected and wanted each other to be happy.
• We chose to hire one mediator to help us work out the legal technicalities and come to a joint agreement, instead of wasting money on duelling lawyers. We knew for the most part how we wanted to divide things, and just needed a little help with the fine print.
• We agreed we would not talk badly about each other to our mutual friends and family, or expect them to take sides.
• We decided to focus on our kids, and to continue to be the best parenting team we could be for their sake. Our marriage to each other had ended. But our joint responsibility to our kids had not.

Our kids were two and four at the time that we separated. We knew that, while we no longer wanted to live with each other, they would have chosen differently. We believed our kids would be better off in the long term if they could live in two homes with two happy, healthy parents, instead of in one home with two unhappy, angry parents. But we also knew that it would be difficult for them in the short term.

So we decided it was our job to make it as easy for them as possible. I asked advice from counsellors, friends whose parents had divorced, and people who had recently separated. I found that people pretty much across the board said the same thing: it’s not divorce, per se, that messes kids up. It’s how their parents handle the divorce. Children of divorce said what upset them was when their parents fought, put them in the middle, deserted them, or couldn’t even be in the same room let alone celebrate an event for their sake.

Christmas dinner with my ex-husband and children in my home, December 2010

My ex and I decided we would continue to celebrate special events together with our kids, like Christmas, birthdays, school events, and the occasional family outing or dinner. While we knew we would be building new traditions with our children as two separate families, we also saw no reason why we would deprive our kids of the right and need to have both their parents with them for important moments in their lives.

We chose to split custody equally, because we both want to be an equal part of our children’s lives and are both equally capable of caring for them. Because our kids are young, we switch back and forth every day or two, so that at most our kids only go a couple days without seeing the other parent. That way, if they miss one of us, we can say, “You’ll see Mommy/Daddy tomorrow.” We make sure to tell them who is picking them up each day from school, so they know what to expect and can feel some sense of control over where they are going.

This arrangement has worked very well for us so far, and the kids seem to have adjusted well. As they get older, we will likely make changes to our schedule to accommodate our children’s changing needs.

Since I was the one who moved out and set up a new home, I asked the kids what bedding they wanted and how they would like their rooms to be decorated. I made sure they had familiar toys, books and clothing at each house. I printed pictures of them with me to keep at their dad’s house, and pictures of them with their dad to keep at mine, so that if they missed the other parent when they were away, they had a picture next to their bed to give them comfort.

We acknowledge our kids’ right and need to love both of us without making them have to choose sides. We do not say bad things about each other to our children. We encourage and support our children’s relationship with each other and with the other parent. We talk about the other parent positively instead of pretending they don’t exist, and don’t make our kids feel bad for wanting to speak about or call the other parent.

While our marriage has ended, we realize we still have to maintain some kind of relationship for our children’s sake. We still talk several times a week to coordinate schedules and discuss issues that come up about the kids. We split the work and expenses that go along with raising children, and switch nights with each other when needed. Because neither of us has been nasty to the other, we have enough good will between us that we can spell each other off when the other needs a night off for a special event.

I don’t mean to suggest by any of this that we have it all figured out. Our kids seem to be adjusting well, and we are thankful for that. But we know we have to continue to work to meet their needs and that we have to be prepared for the questions they may ask as they get older. I am sharing our experience here because, in general, we have separated very amicably, and I want to give people hope that they can too.

That said, I do not want people to think I take divorce or separation lightly. I think before people throw in the towel, they need to know they have done everything they can to make their relationship work. Read books, get counselling, talk to each other and to other level-headed people. Tell your spouse what you need and make every effort to meet their needs. Do whatever you can so that you know you have tried your best before walking away.

I cannot speak about situations involving abuse, addictions, mental illness or other major issues, as I have no training or knowledge of these things. I would encourage anyone dealing with these situations to get professional counselling. Don’t be afraid to ask for help – an objective third party can help to shed light on a seemingly impossible situation and provide encouragement and advice.

What I have come to believe is that divorce does not have to be painful. You do not have to blame each other. If you do decide to part ways, you can do it on friendly or at least neutral terms. Keep the lines of communication open and look to find solutions that work best for everyone involved. Talk to people who have separated amicably – once I opened my mind to the possibility, I met several people who had done it and got great advice. Try to avoid wasting money on lawyers and use a mediator if possible (their interest is in finding the best solution for both parties, not in pitting one against the other).

If you and your ex cannot agree or talk without fighting, find an objective third party you both agree on (like a counsellor, religious figure or mediator) and get them to help you come to an agreement. If you have children, keep bringing your focus back to them and what they need. You may not agree on much these days, but you likely still agree that you love your children and want what is best for them. And what is best for pretty much any child is to know they are loved and cared for by two happy, healthy parents.

Good luck and best wishes for the happiness of everyone involved.

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Everyone has emotions. We feel happy when our kids come home with a drawing, saying “I made it just for you.” We get angry when some jerk cuts us off in traffic (I admit I may have gestured rudely a time or two). We are sad when we lose a friend, parent or beloved pet. We feel elated when we get a promotion or find new love.

While most of us enjoy our “positive emotions”—love, joy, peace, excitement, awe—few of us welcome our “negative” emotions. After all, who wants to be hurt, angry, frustrated or disappointed?

And even fewer among us know how to express our negative emotions in a healthy way. Our fight-or-flight response kicks in, and we over-react and come out swinging. Or we repress, bury or otherwise run away from our deepest feelings. Both responses are a desperate attempt to MAKE IT STOP. We don’t want to feel what we are feeling. We want to feel better. Now. Better yet, yesterday.

But this urge to feel better now leads to a host of problems. Think of how many ways people try to avoid their emotions:

• using drugs, alcohol and gambling
• mindlessly watching TV or surfing the Internet
• working too much
• eating too much food
• jumping from one partner to the next in search of the next “feel good” fix

Most of us, if we are being completely honest, have some kind of addiction. And the main thing these addictions have in common is that they provide a way to avoid reality, to help us numb the emotions we find overwhelming.

Most people who know me say I am “emotional” and “wear my heart on my sleeve.” So it may come as a surprise to some that I, too, find it hard to accept and express my deepest, most painful feelings. My addiction of choice? Food—especially if it has chocolate on it. Food is my comfort, but it is unfortunately a temporary and very poor substitute for the love and acceptance I am really looking for. It tastes good going down, but then I am left with the bitter aftertaste of self-disappointment, and the knowledge that I am adding fat to my body, which will in the long run only make me feel worse.

Few of us probably had all our emotional needs met as children, and I was certainly no exception. While I loved many aspects of my childhood, I often felt lonely and misunderstood. My parents worked hard to make sure our physical and educational needs were met. But emotional needs? Well, that was just not something people in those days knew much about. They just did the best they could with what they knew how to do.

I was an artistic, emotional and sensitive child. I felt everything acutely. I could tell the mood as soon as I entered a room, and I often felt personally responsible when someone was upset. I experienced every emotion magnified several times in intensity from what most people probably feel. It wasn’t bad when the feelings were “positive.” But it was not so great when the feelings were “negative.”

My parents had four children within the span of five years. We were boisterous and needy, as children often are, and I think my mother—who was home with us every day—struggled to keep up with our demands. While she did her best to cook and clean and clothe us, she had very little time or patience for snuggling or playing with us. I can’t speak for my siblings, but I know I felt this lack of emotional closeness with my mother deeply. I clamoured for her attention and affection, and the more I demanded, the more overwhelmed and unable to respond she became.

Between feeling unwanted and life’s inevitable frustrations, my feelings were often too overwhelming for my little body to handle. So I had what people call “temper tantrums” (or “yoga fits,” as my siblings jokingly dubbed them). As did most parents of her generation, my mother responded to my outbursts of emotion by either ignoring or spanking me. Unfortunately, I had no one to verbalize for me what I was feeling (“Oh, so you’re angry that no one is paying attention to you”) or to teach me how to manage my feelings better (“When you feel angry, it’s not OK to scream, but it is OK to take deep breaths until you can calm down and tell people what is upsetting you”).

Being ignored, spanked and teased for my emotional outbursts taught me it was not OK to express my feelings. It’s a natural human survival instinct to stick close to your “tribe,” so I eventually adapted my behaviour to gain my family’s approval. I buried any feelings of anger or sadness and learned to be ultra-independent, trying to meet my needs myself. I became the quintessential “good girl,” getting good grades and doing my chores to make my parents happy. I tried to be perfect to avoid rejection.

Life tends to repeat itself until we get it right. So I’m reliving these childhood experiences now through my children’s equally intense emotions, and through new challenges that appear before me. I still encounter people who push my buttons, and I still struggle to come up with an appropriate response. I still get angry, sad, disappointed and frustrated by life events, and struggle to handle my intense feelings without becoming overwhelmed.

What I now know, though, is that it is not healthy to bury “negative” feelings. Whether we do it for approval, to avoid conflict, or because we fear our ability to handle our own intensity, repressing emotions does not actually make them go away—it just sends them deep into our body and psyche to where they eventually cause physical and mental illness.

In When the Body Says No, Dr. Gabor Maté shows though in-depth scientific research how people suffering from many diseases—like cancer, multiple sclerosis and ALS—share two common characteristics: their emotional needs were not met as children, and they repress their emotions (especially anger) in adulthood.

So what is the healthy response to “negative” emotions? I am still trying to figure that out for myself. But thanks to Gabor Maté and blog posts from Urban Monk.net on Managing Anger and Personal Boundaries, I believe healthy emotional response looks something like this:

1. Acknowledge your feelings. Notice how you are feeling and name the emotion. Don’t dismiss or repress how you feel by trying to laugh it off, distract yourself with alcohol/drugs/food/sex/work/TV/Internet, or deny your “right” to feel what you feel. Let yourself feel it fully, without reacting. Remove yourself from the situation if you need to, to allow yourself time to process your feelings. Become aware of how the emotion feels physically and where it is in your body. Realize that you are simply experiencing an emotion—it can’t overwhelm you unless you let it.
2. Ask why you feel this way. OK, so you’ve identified how you feel. Now turn off your thoughts—that incessant, negative movie-making reel that makes everything look worse than it is and allows you to feel stuck playing the role of a victim. Observe what is really going on, and ask why you feel what you feel. Are you over-reacting, or is someone doing something that hurts you? Is your anger a result of this situation, or of something from your past?
3. Accept the situation for what it is. It is important to accept and acknowledge what is happening, even if you don’t like it. Acceptance doesn’t mean you allow the situation to continue—it simply means you accept your current reality and don’t try to resist it, because that only magnifies the problem. For example, thinking “I don’t want this to be happening” doesn’t really help anything, because it is, already, happening. Acknowledging what is happening and then choosing an appropriate response is much more effective in changing your reality than wishing it isn’t so. What is, simply is. What you do about “what is” is something else entirely.
4. Calmly choose a response. Once you recognize how you feel, and can calmly look at the situation you are in, you can choose how you will respond. This choice should never be made in the heat of the emotion (which is reacting, not responding). Wait until you feel calm, which usually comes after you acknowledge your emotions and the situation (instead of resisting them). Then choose what you will do (or not do) to identify your needs without disrespecting others. In some cases, you may choose to do nothing—allowing yourself to fully experience the emotion may be enough to address it.
5. Assert yourself calmly but firmly. Having chosen your response calmly, act on it. State how you feel (but own the feeling by using “I” statements and avoid blaming the other person, who may be unaware of your feelings). Say what you will do / won’t do if the situation continues. Then be prepared to enforce the consequence if someone continues to ignore your needs or the personal boundary you have just established.

It sounds so simple that I wonder why it is so hard for me to put into practice. I guess years of being afraid to stand up for my own needs and say how I really feel are hard to undo overnight. But I’m learning and getting better at it every day. I know it’s vital to my own health and well-being, and to the health and happiness of my children. After all, my emotional state directly impacts my children, and I am a crucial role model for them. It is through managing my own emotions in a healthy way that I will teach them how to manage theirs. What better investment can a parent make in their children?

I hope this blurb helps you express the truth of your own emotions to the world in a calm and healthy way.

P.S. A last word about my childhood: I know others have had far greater challenges than I experienced. I share my story simply as a way to illustrate why we are the way we are, and do what we do. While it has taken me some time to gain this perspective, I am now thankful for the experiences I had as a child, for they have made me who I am today. They have made me more loving, sensitive, compassionate and introspective—important qualities for a writer. I leave off with a quote from author Elizabeth Lesser:

“I recently heard a great writer say that an essential element in the life of a writer is to have been an outsider in childhood, to have been given the ‘gift’ of not belonging.”
—Elizabeth Lesser, The Seeker’s Guide, p. 6

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Keagan, 5 and Keira, 3

As I wriggle myself into this new year and convince myself to write “2011” on my cheques, I find it’s a wonderful time to pause, reflect on the year past, and give thanks for all that I have.

While 2010 was a tough one for me personally, and I can’t say I’m altogether sad to see it gone, it still held many blessings for me.

First, I am immeasurably thankful for the continuing health and happiness of my children. Thankfully, they seem to have made it through this challenging transition intact. I am amazed at their ability to adapt and live in the moment – if only I could always remember to do the same. And I am forever in awe when I gaze into their soulful blue eyes or hear their giggles fill the air: could I really have played a part in creating two such wonderful beings?

I am also so thankful for my beautiful new home. I love, love, love it, and feel happy each time I open the door to enter. This is the first home I’ve had that really feels like me. It has already seen a great deal of love, laughter and joy, and I hope this continues for many years to come.

Mom & Dad, 2009

I am grateful for my Dad. He has been so amazing with Mom, it’s hard to describe. The love he shows her when he holds her hand, comforts her, and just shows up week in and week out is a beautiful thing to behold.

I am thankful for my Mom. I realize now how many sacrifices she made for me that I did not at the time appreciate. The cooking, cleaning, mending, driving: all the things that showed your love but went unnoticed. I get it now Mom. And I love you for all that you did. Now it’s your turn to let others care for you.

I am blessed by the abundance that continues to fill my life. My freelance writing business did very well last year, and I am excited at the new possibilities for this year.

Di, Shelley and Carolyn

I am eternally grateful for my friends. To have people who stand by you, believe in you, support you, chip in with elbow grease, and make you laugh – there are no greater riches in the world.

Since I’ve watched several friends and family members struggle with illness in the past few years, I am reminded how grateful I am to be healthy. I am sometimes frustrated that my body doesn’t look quite the way I’d like it to, but it has certainly served me well and continues to allow me to do what I want to do.

And as I gaze out my bedroom window at the beautiful, soft new snow, I am also thankful for the gorgeous, free country I am so fortunate to live in. The beauty of nature surrounds me; I can go where I please; and I have clean water to drink and lots of food to fill my tummy. We sometimes take these things for granted, but they are such luxuries to many.

I am even thankful for the challenges I have faced. Each one has taught me something new about myself, how I want to live my life and who I want to be. I don’t always like what life throws at me, but I would rather grow than be stagnant.

Lastly, I am grateful for the year to come. I feel blessed every day that I’m alive, since it allows me another chance to breathe, create, laugh, love, play and dream. I know 2011 will hold many more blessings for me, and I am already grateful for what is on its way.

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I’m sorry it has been so long since I have written a post, but it has been a very challenging month for me.

Mom with Keira in June 2010

Despite having memory problems for three years now, my mother was only diagnosed with Alzheimer’s in March of this year. Since then, she has gone downhill very quickly. I drove home to New Brunswick with my kids in late August to visit with my parents and try to get some in-home care set up for Mom since her needs are so great that Dad is getting worn down trying to handle them himself.

But by the time I got home, Mom’s condition had deteriorated so much that we had to bring her to the hospital and then place her in a nursing home. She needed 24-7 care, and because my siblings and I all live far away, it is unfortunately not something our family can provide ourselves.

Placing my mother in a nursing home was particularly heart-breaking because she is only 62. As we checked her in and noticed the sea of white hair, we had the distinct feeling that she didn’t belong there – she was at least 20 years younger than everyone else. Mom was actually lucid enough to understand that she was in a nursing home, so she began to cry and I cried with her. She was sad and scared, and it broke my heart that there was little I could do to comfort her.

I told her it was a good place and that we would write and visit and continue to take her on outings. We brought in her pictures and blankets and other personal items from home, but we knew it was not the same as being home. And Mom knew that when she woke up at night, because of her dementia she would not be able to remember where she was and there would be no one there she recognized to reassure her. Little wonder she felt scared.

I took an extra week off work to stay with Mom, get her settled and handle the logistics for Dad. I am very glad I was there, but it was emotionally and physically draining. It has taken me the past two weeks just to get caught up on work, housework and sleep, and I still feel like my energy is not what it usually is. I have gained weight because of my three trips home and lack of exercise, so I’m feeling quite blah in general.

Mom helping Keira collect "snowflakes" from the snowball tree

I believe everything happens for a reason, and know I will find meaning in this some day. But right now, I admit I’m finding it very, very hard. I worry about how Mom is feeling when no one is there to visit. I hate not being closer and being able to see her. I wonder on a spiritual level what she can possibly be getting from this experience. And I wonder what I am meant to learn from it.

I do know this situation with my Mom has broken me wide open, as Elizabeth Lesser would say. Up until recently, I have cried very little in my life. Even when my first husband died, I only cried a few times. It wasn’t that I didn’t hurt; I just couldn’t express how I felt. Little wonder I ended up with depression.

Now, I can barely stop crying. I am learning that it is very healthy for me to cry and acknowledge how I feel about what is a very difficult situation. I’m discovering that being sad is not something to fear or avoid – it’s a natural human emotion, that when repressed, finds other ways to tap us on the shoulder. Our culture doesn’t let us express grief and sadness…it applies Band-Aid solutions and wants us to feel instantly better. “Get over it.” “Suck it up.” “Cheer up.” We don’t like to feel pain and we don’t like to see anyone in pain, so we all run away from it or pretend we don’t feel it. But as Eckhart Tolle says, pain is just pain, and everyone feels it at some point. Pain only becomes suffering when we resist it.

I must admit, I find it hard to fully embrace this situation. But I am getting better at letting myself simply feel what I feel. It sucks. I feel sad, especially for what both Mom and Dad are going through. My heart aches for both of them. The silver lining is that I get to witness what few do in their lifetime – a true expression of love. After 40 years of marriage, my parents really do still love each other. You can see it in Dad’s eyes and in the tenderness he shows his wife despite the funny things she says and the anger she often directs at him. You can see it in how Mom still jokes around with Dad when she’s having a good day, and how she desperately looks for him for comfort and stability when she’s not. I wish their golden years could be free of this awful disease, but at least they still have each other.

I am also glad that Mom is now in a place where her physical and mental needs are being met. It is a wonderful home and the staff are terrific with her. I wish we could care for her ourselves, but it’s just not possible in this situation. So in the absence of that, I think she’s in the best place she could possibly be, and pray she will adapt and adjust to her new surroundings and eventually feel at home.

This situation is definitely forcing me to confront a number of fears. In particular, it may seem odd, but I’ve always been afraid of elderly people. I did not grow up around seniors – two of my grandparents were dead before I was ever born; one lived in Quebec so I only met him twice; and the one who lived closest seemed aloof and had dementia for most of the time I knew her. I sang in nursing homes with my family when I was young, but this only frightened me more as I would see people in wheelchairs who never smiled, made strange noises, and did not appear to be enjoying life a great deal. Growing old did not seem like a pleasant experience to me.

Mom encouraging Keagan to sprinkle me with snowflakes

So when I went to the nursing home with Mom, I had to face my irrational fears head on. I learned pretty quickly that seniors are simply people with a little more life under their belts. They can still be funny and joke around. They can still be kind and interact with my mom as if what she’s saying makes sense. And they enjoy having someone to talk to, to listen to their stories and let them know their life and memories are important and that they still matter.

I’m not going to whitewash anything and make it seem like I feel happy or at peace with what’s happening to my parents. I struggle every day to make sense of it, and to keep my spirits up. I just hope that someday, my whole family is able to find some peace and purpose in this situation, so that my mom’s life and memories are not wasted.

I love you Mom, and think of you every day. I hope you can hear me.

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Charleston Lake

It is my last day at my cousin’s cottage, on Charleston Lake in Athens, Ontario. I am very fortunate that Carolyn has let me stay here for free for a week while she is away on vacation. I so love being here: I love the screened-in porch where I eat my meals in breezy comfort, the floating dock where I sunbathe and swim, the beautiful lake I kayak around every evening at sunset, the campfire pit where I play guitar and howl at the moon, the hammock where I sway back and forth, reading books and contemplating life. What is not to love?

Actually, there were a few challenges on this vacation that I didn’t exactly love. The very first day I arrived, I watched in horror as my cousin’s neighbour began dismantling the cottage next door. Yep, he actually had a demolition crew, and they were using sledgehammers and chainsaws to tear the structure down. I had been really looking forward to a week of solitude and quiet so I could rest and finish the book I was writing, so this was definitely not the atmosphere I was seeking. And the worst thing was, while the demolition only took two days, the crew immediately turned around and began re-constructing the cottage, digging dirt with bulldozers, sawing wood with circular saws, and banging nails with hammers to frame the new building.

I remember being initially annoyed and thinking, “Great. Perfect timing. Just my luck.” But I quickly realized that attitude was silly, self-pitying and would only serve to ruin the time I did have here. So I decided to not focus on the noise or let it bother me. And as I made that decision, another neighbour stopped by to offer me the use of her empty cottage down the road if the noise bothered me too much. While I really appreciated having a refuge, it turned out I was able to filter out the ruckus to the point where I didn’t need to move to another cottage.

I think this week was, for me, a lesson in not resisting reality. Several authors—like Elizabeth Lesser, Eckhart Tolle and Neale Donald Walsch—say that our suffering in life is created not by the experiences we have, but by our resistance to them. I know I often resist the things that happen to me—my failed marriage, my kids not listening, getting sick, my mother becoming ill. While this resistance is natural (who, after all, wants to experience pain and frustration?), it is also true that it causes more grief than the initial situation itself, and prolongs the pain until we are able to perceive it differently and let go of it.

“As with pain, if you resist distractions, they will multiply. If you let them be, breathing your way into acceptance, or using the technique of naming thoughts and feelings, just as you name sensations and pain, you can settle your mind.”

—Elizabeth Lesser, The Seeker’s Guide, p. 142

In this case, my reaction in years past would have been to get angry. “Damn construction noise! Who do they think they are, to ruin my vacation? Can’t they be more quiet? And why can’t they wait until next week?” This is a pretty normal reaction, but not terribly useful when you think about it. After all, the construction was happening, whether I wanted it to or not. It was nothing personal—I just happened to arrive on the day when the permits for the demolition and construction all came through. And the noise was a by-product that the workers could not avoid.

There was the odd time—maybe once a day—when the noise cut through my awareness and I became conscious of it again. The loud and grating circular saw was definitely the hardest to tune out. But what I did each time was acknowledge it was there (as opposed to wishing it wasn’t), then turn my attention back to what I was doing (reading, writing, relaxing, even meditating). And the really neat thing was, as soon as I shifted my focus away from the noise, it disappeared! My mind actually, somehow, filtered it out.

My mind was also able to filter out my allergies, chest cold, the mosquito bites I acquired on day one, and the incessant motor boats passing by. While in previous years the constant drone of motor boats on the lake would have been a definite annoyance to me (I dislike loud noises), this time, they didn’t bother me at all. In fact, I was able to smile and wave and enjoy seeing other people out having so much fun. Quite a change from the “everything has to be perfect for me to relax” Karen of old.

Don’t get me wrong, change doesn’t happen overnight and I’m sure that high-strung girl is still in there somewhere and will likely make a return appearance at some point. But I’m happy to see that my 2010 mantra of “no resistance” seems to be taking hold, and I am beginning to see the benefits of allowing things to be as they are.

I will leave off with a quote from A New Earth, by Eckhart Tolle:

“Only if you resist what happens are you at the mercy of what happens, and the world will determine your happiness and unhappiness.”

We can’t always choose what happens to us, but we can choose our response. This week I chose to relax and enjoy my time at the cottage despite everything, and I’m so glad I did.