3 keys to finding the love you want

We all want to be loved, nurtured, cared for, cherished. We want to be heard, understood and treated well. We yearn to find that special someone to share life’s adventures with.

These are natural desires…human beings are wired for connection. Our survival instinct is to belong. Our reproductive instinct is to find someone to mate with. Our spiritual instinct is to join in harmony with others.

So why does love sometimes seem so elusive?

Problem #1: Looking for love in all the wrong places

Part of the challenge is that we’re looking for love outside of ourselves, instead of inside. We’re insisting that others give to us what we won’t give to ourselves.

For example, we really want someone to listen to us, but we rarely listen to our own body’s messages (that it’s tired, needs rest, needs exercise, needs healthy food, etc.). Or we want someone to validate us, but we ignore and fail to validate our own feelings (e.g. we overlook those “red flags” we felt when we first met someone). Or we wish that our partner would say nice things to us, but inside our head we criticize ourselves relentlessly.

We have a psychological tendency to look to our partners to meet the needs that were unmet in childhood. But it’s important to learn how to meet most of those needs on our own and create a life we truly love. That way we take the pressure off our relationship (and partner) to be our “everything.”

It’s ok to want people in our lives to show us love. But the very first place we need to find love is within ourselves. And the neat thing is, once we change how we feel on the inside and express more of that to others, the outside world will reflect that back to us and we will receive more love. But it begins with loving ourselves, so that we’re approaching our love relationships from a place of generosity, not a place of lack.

When you really, truly love who you are and the life you’re living, you’ll attract better relationships.

Problem #2: Choosing the wrong person

The other mistake I see my clients making is that they choose the wrong person, and then try to make them into who they want them to be.

In other words, they pick someone who has very different values than they do, or flaws they can’t live with, and then expect them to change. It’s very common for women to pick “fixer-uppers” with major issues and think that, with their love, the person will improve. But that rarely works without therapy.

Instead, it’s best to be clear about what you want in a partner and in a relationship, and then choose a person who is capable of that and has a similar vision.

Problem #3: Not having the right skills

Few of us were taught by our parents how to have a healthy, happy relationship. And most of us did not learn relationship skills in school. As a result, any skills we’ve learned were through trial…and a few too many errors.

But for a relationship to thrive, there are many critical skills we must develop. For example:

• how to communicate our feelings, thoughts and desires openly
• how to say things in a way that won’t elicit a negative response
• how to listen deeply to our partner
• how to navigate differences
• how to resolve conflicts

Learning these skills and applying them make all the difference between having a relationship that is joyful and lasts, versus going through many failed relationships.

The 3 keys to finding (and keeping) love

So to summarize, if what you’re wanting is to find lasting love, the keys are to:

1. Love yourself and create a life you love
2. Choose the right partner for you
3. Learn the skills required to have a healthy, happy relationship

If you would like to learn more about how to find lasting love, I invite you to join me in Ottawa for the Soulmate Attraction Summit!

Share your thoughts!

Please share your challenges, successes, tips and comments about finding love below!

Resources for further learning

Other articles:

• The ripple effect: To love and be loved (Karen Strang Allen)
• Do you keep attracting unhealthy relationships? (Karen Strang Allen)

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Karen Strang Allen is an empowerment coach for single women and mother of two. She is the author of Free to be me: Create a life you love from the inside out! and international bestselling co-author of Unwavering Strength Volume 2. Widowed at 22 and separated at 35, Karen’s mission is to help single women feel great, turn their heartbreak into a breakthrough, and create a life they love, so they become a magnet for their dream partner. Learn more about Karen and check out her free empowering resources at www.karenstrangallen.com.