Posted by: silverliningsblog | March 2, 2019

How to improve your dating experience

What’s the difference between loving to do something, and hating it?

It’s usually a question of focus.

Sure, there are some activities we’re more naturally drawn to than others. Some suit our personalities, interests, and preferences better.

But when it comes to things we kinda sorta hafta do, loving or hating it boils down to how you’re looking at it.

Let’s take housework as an example. I don’t think I’ve ever met someone who LOVES housework. But I do know people who resist it like the plague (you know, the ones who can lose their children in their mountains of unwashed laundry, and the ones who have killer dustbunnies you’re genuinely afraid of).

And I know people (myself included) who don’t mind it so much.

Don’t get me wrong…I’m no Molly Maid, and I also sometimes let my housework pile up. I’d far rather be outside with my kids enjoying nature, or out having fun with my friends. And I’ve hired a cleaner to do housework for me before (delegating things you don’t want to do can be a healthy strategy).

But when there’s something I need to do (like my housecleaning today), I’ve discovered there are ways to actually enjoy tasks that aren’t my favourite.

Like putting on my favourite yoga clothes and treating it as a workout, seeing how fast I can get it done. And involving my kids, to split up the work and do it as a team. And cranking up the tunes so we can be silly and dance in between. And rewarding ourselves by going to a movie when it’s done.

I think all of us enjoy the result of having a clean house. But none of us love to do it. Unfortunately, when we resist the process, we turn it into something that’s intolerable, that we avoid doing. When we can find a way to turn it into a game or make it more enjoyable, it doesn’t feel like such a chore.

What we focus on expands

Another common example of this principle is dating. Again, I don’t think I’ve met anyone who LOVES dating. But there are people who manage to enjoy it, and people who absolutely dread it.

What’s the difference? Is it that some people are more extroverted than others? Perhaps. But the real difference is where we place our focus.

If we choose to focus on the negative…the weirdos online, the dick pics, the catfishers, the jerks only looking for sex, the awkward conversations, the sweaty palms, the dates that don’t work out…then we’re automatically going to feel bad. Why? Because those things are not what we want. And when we focus on what we don’t want, we feel bad. We also attract more of that to us (since what we focus on expands).

So stop doing that! 🙂 And stop complaining to your girlfriends about it (laughing and making light of it is perfectly ok, however).

If instead, we choose to focus on the positive…the interesting people we meet, the humour in awkwardness and first date jitters, the fascinating conversations about new ideas, the new restaurants and activities we get to try, the vision of the kind of relationship we want, the excitement of possibly meeting our soulmate…then we’ll start feeling much better and more upbeat. I mean, doesn’t this paragraph just FEEL better than the negative one?

And because we’re focusing on what we want, we’ll feel more upbeat and hopeful, and we’ll draw more good people and experiences to us.

Shift your focus, shift your results

If dating is something you dread (like most people), it’s important to find a different perspective, a different focus…a way to come into energetic alignment with the process of dating BEFORE going out there.

If you go out there feeling negatively, you’ll attract negative people and experiences.

If you shift how you’re feeling first (which starts by shifting what you’re focusing on), you’ll start attracting a different calibre of date and enjoy the process more.

So if you’re feeling a little nervous about dating because it’s new, or frustrated with it because you haven’t been having good results, you’re in good company. Don’t beat yourself up about it. But do change your focus and your feelings before heading back out there so you get better results.

If you’d like to learn more about how to do this and practice the principles I’m talking about here, I invite you to join me for my free online event, Finding Love in these Crazy Times.

Wishing you lots of luck and positive experiences in life and love!

Share your thoughts!

What frustrates you about dating? What makes it easier for you?

Resources for further learning


Karen Strang Allen is an empowerment coach for single women
and mother of two. She is the author of Free to be me: Create a life you love from the inside out! and international bestselling co-author of Unwavering Strength Volume 2

Widowed at 22 and separated at 35, Karen’s mission is to help single women feel great and create a life they love so they attract their dream partner. Check out Karen’s free empowering resources and workshops at


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